I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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