omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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