Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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