Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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