btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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