I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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