Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize