The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize