Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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