im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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