Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
