Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
