You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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