I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
