I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
