shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
