Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
