Will you blow on my dice?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
