Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
