I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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