i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
