just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
