I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
no you cant smoke seaweed
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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