What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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