tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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