like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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