I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
