All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
