Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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