Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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