if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
