Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
