I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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