I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
