You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
