my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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