You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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