im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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