Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
