broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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