Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
