i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
