so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He passed out mid-signature
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
