had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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