dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
