Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I need moral support for this bender
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
