You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
