Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
