Even the bartender felt bad for me
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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