I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
