It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
