Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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