my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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