Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
