I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
