Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
