Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
