Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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