your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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