you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize