He kissed a someone with a penis
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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