Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
