U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
