I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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